harder, better, faster, stronger
Hi Dr. Chaves,
I’m dating this girl that I’m really into. We finally became sexual last week. Everything was pretty great. She looked amazing naked, great in bed and had amazing technique. The only problem was she was super quiet; she didn’t make one sound. I couldn’t even tell if she had an orgasm. Do you have any advice on getting her to be louder? I was thinking of going faster and harder since I was more slow and romantic.
Most of the time harder and faster doesn’t mean louder. We’ve all encountered people who’ve had unique, individual qualities in bed: the biter, the screamer, the scratcher, the freak (my personal favorite), etc. Sometimes it works for us and other times it doesn’t.
Can we really change someone else sexually? What if she asked you to like quiet sex? Although it might be something to consider bringing up with her, you risk hurting her feelings, possibly highlighting insecurities, making her feel blamed, and creating some friction in the process. But, if you avoid it, you might be shortchanging yourself.
A skilled communicator can bring this up in a gentle and respectful way in a non-pressured conversation. Start by asking her questions about sexual comfort (is she nervous taking things to the next level?), what turns her on, and her thoughts on bedroom sounds like breathing, moaning, panting, dirty talk, screaming, etc. Hearing her answers will give you important information and open up the conversation to expressing your thoughts and turn-ons with sound. One angle to think about is describing sound as a sense like touch or vision and how our senses enhance stimulation. Be careful not to push and keep your words open, inviting and supportive. She may just need time to let out the inner wild child in the sack.
Recently, something has been happening to me that is weird. Almost every time I come, one of my balls really hurts. It’s getting more painful every week and it’s like a pulsing pain with my orgasm. It’s been like three or four months now and it’s not going away. I don’t have insurance to see a doctor and I’m in great shape. Should I be worried or do you think it will pass?
One suggestion is to get to a medical doctor ASAP. With no insurance, I know it might cost an arm and a leg, but that’s better than a testicle. Most guys will experience occasional pain or sensitivity with their genitals in their lives, but long-term lingering pain is a red flag. Anytime we have genital discomfort, don’t hesitate to get an expert involved. Is there any nausea, pain with urination, swelling, or redness?
The possibilities could be endless as to what the cause is: muscular spasms, an STI, an infection, the mumps, testicular torsion (twisted testicle), a hernia, a tumor (testicular cancer), or even a blow to the nuts that caused previous trauma. Only medical testing is going to rule out each possibility until you figure out what’s the origin. Early detection is key and might be the difference between overcoming this or losing a testicle or the ability to procreate. Go see a doctor. Most communities have free clinics that can connect you with doctor.
Don’t play around with your genitals, unless of course, it’s on purpose with some lube.
Me and my girlfriend are new to opening up our relationship and wanted some advice. We’re both cool with having other people join in, but only certain people. She’s cool with having a guy join us, but not a girl. I’m cool with having a girl join us, but not a guy. We’re kind of stuck. I haven’t been able to convince her to let me bring in a girl. What would you do?
Find out what Dr. Chavez has to say about fire play in the bedroom…
This question gets asked a lot. What’s this open-minded world coming to?
First thing you should do is hold off on opening things up. You both have some areas to explore with limits, boundaries and comfort zones. I doubt you’re going to convince her; can she convince you to let a guy jump in bed with you both? Also, it sounds like there might be some underlying insecurities with having an opposite sex partner involved. It can be the very threatening and bring up fears.
I’d suggest you both talk about your fears, and share your honest feelings about each other and the commitment you feel in the relationship. Having a solid sense of trust, communication and commitment is the foundation of any open relationship. People like reinforcement that their bond is strong. Fear that one person will like the invited partner better and leave the relationship or realize there’s other fish in the sea can be scary for anyone. It’s a fear that many of us share even in closed relationships and this fear often fuels jealousy and insecurity. Good open relationships can address, contain and process these feelings with good open communication, trust and defining limits/boundaries.
I encourage you both to read and discuss Dossie Easton’s book The Ethical Slut. It deals with discussion topics for people new to open relationships and helps people think about important dynamics that should be addressed before and not after. Also, I encourage you to find mentors to talk with and get insight/guidance into the open relationship world. They’ve walked the walk and could help you in your sexually open-minded journey.
How do I convince my girl to get a boob job?
Danger zone! You are now approaching a conversation that may be hazardous to your health.
Where’s this coming from? Is this for you to have two new toys to play with or is this something she wants for herself to help with self-esteem or body image? Regardless of the answer, you should be careful if you decide to pursue this, especially if you have to convince her. Who knows how it may affect her or the relationship to have you suggest this. It can be perceived as insensitive and superficial. But, if your relationship is strong and you both have a history of honest communication, you can find ways to approach this in a nonthreatening way.
Use the communication funnel of general to specific, meaning start off with general topics and work your way to more specific and personal topics. You can ask her thoughts on the recent trend of more breast reductions and fewer breasts implants. Then gradually work into the conversation, hearing her thoughts on her own breasts and augmentation. Don’t push; make the conversation more about learning her position than imposing your desires.
Questions like this make me happy I’m a butt man. Personally, I wouldn’t try to convince a girl to do this. Imagine if she tried to convince me to get some magical surgery to increase my penis size? Ouch!
Hi Dr. Chaves,
I was watching porn and saw people having sex and playing with fire. They were putting the fire on their skin and it looked really painful. Is this safe? It can’t be, but they were doing it. It never dawned on me to combine fire and sex!
Curious in Maine
Before you pass judgment based on lack of exposure, let me tackle this one. Fire play is an extreme form of temperature play that occurs in the BDSM scene (safe, sane and consensual) where controlled flammable substances and fire are used to create unique and pleasurable sensations on the skin.
It’s definitely dangerous to a novice and should never be attempted without proper education, guidance and experience. For those who have the knowledge, it can be a safe and pleasurable experience for both the top and bottom. Think of it as the opposite end of the spectrum from ice play.
When we use ice on the genitals or erogenous zones for erotic purposes, the extreme temperature provides unique sensations that some people find pleasurable. The same goes for fire, it’s just more extreme and more precautions need to be taken.
One thing about fire play: those on the hairy side be warned — you might not be so hairy after you play. Be smart and safe, kinky folk!
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